Coping With Food Pushers
- At December 10, 2010
- By Katherine
- In Articles
0
Original Content: Washington Post
One of my clients, who came to me to lose about 30 pounds, has a real problem. He loves to eat, and he loves to please people. In fact, he said pleasing people is the main reason he overeats. This tendency becomes especially troublesome during the holidays when friends, family and colleagues invite him for meals. My kind-hearted client literally cannot say no.
As a result, he says holidays are a time of joy but also frustration, because his need to be polite is in stark conflict with his goal of trimming down.
Many of us can appreciate his dilemma. Holiday delicacies can be difficult to navigate, especially if you’re trying to avoid gaining weight from Thanksgiving to the New Year. And that can bring out the best and the worst in people.
We all know hosts who aren’t satisfied until they convince us, beg us, to eat more, more, more. Their entreaties are hard to resist, if only because we want to be polite.
To be fair, “food pushers,” as I call them, aren’t necessarily bad people. Your mom, your spouse, your friends — they just want to please you. They are people who think they have your best interests at heart and know more than you do about what and how much food (and drink) you should be consuming.
My clients and I have tried various tactics through the years, most of them utter failures. I’ve tried explaining that I wasn’t hungry. I even went through a phase of telling people I was allergic to this or that. That didn’t work, either. And I learned that the worst thing you can say to a food pusher is, “No thanks, I’m on a diet” or “Thanks, I’m watching it.”
You might as well say, “Talk me into it!” Your excuse is giving the food pusher a double signal — that you really want it but have to refuse. It might also sound insulting, implying that the food isn’t good enough for your refined tastes. And finally your response might make the pusher feel guilty, as if he or she should be “watching it,” too. All of these things challenge the food pusher to seduce you.
But I finally began to make headway when I learned the most basic rule of all: Never give excuses. I’m delighted to say that one of the foremost authorities on etiquette told me that this approach is both appropriate and wise.
“The best answer is a simple but firm ‘No thank you,'” declared Judith Martin, the syndicated columnist who writes as Miss Manners. “Once you give an excuse, you open yourself to argument.”
Martin also offered clear advice in her column to food pushers, and their “endless patter of coercion — ‘Oh, come on, one won’t hurt you . . . I made this especially for you . . . it doesn’t have any calories . . . you’re too thin anyway . . . it’s good for you . . . you’re not going to make me eat leftovers tomorrow.’ Miss Manners asks them to cut it out.”
“To offer and provide food is lovely, but to badger people into eating it isn’t pleasant,” Martin told me. “Politeness consists of offering food and drink without cajoling or embarrassing people into taking it.”
While “no thank you” is fine for hosts, I learned I had to use a different tactic with my family.
During visits to my grandparents in Sweden, for instance, every day I felt overstuffed from too many fattening (and, yes, delicious) Swedish meatballs, cheeses and cakes. Inevitably with each visit I came home several pounds heavier.
I decided I’d drop subtle hints and compliments to guide them into serving me food that wasn’t going to make me look and feel like a Swedish meatball.
This technique of continued positive reinforcement took several years (in psychology, it’s called “shaping”), but it eventually worked. When they served seafood, salads, fruits — food I wanted more of — I complimented lavishly. “Sweden has the best fish in the world!” or “I just love your salads!” (which was all true, by the way). Over time, whenever I’d visit, they’d feed me what they learned I loved: seafood, salads and fruits. (Yes, I also loved the fattening stuff, but that was easily obtained, and I wanted to limit my indulgences without announcing it.)
The same technique can work with your colleagues, friends and family, and it doesn’t have to take years. At Thanksgiving or during the holidays, instead of focusing on what you don’t want or can’t have, and using turn-off words such as “healthy” or “diet,” simply compliment your hosts and stay positive. Instead of saying “I can’t have dessert, I’m watching it,” say “The meal was so satisfying, I can’t have another bite!”
When given a choice at, say, the Thanksgiving meal, a work party, a potluck, or in restaurants, instead of, “I don’t eat mashed potatoes and gravy,” say: “The green beans look fabulous!”
My client tried these tactics with his family and friends and has been losing weight ever since. He was surprised at how a simple compliment could stop food pushers in their tracks.
Even Miss Manners agrees that this approach is okay as long as you don’t go into too much detail. In the end, no food pusher can resist a happy guest.
Of course, as a guest, you have obligations, too, which I’ll discuss in my next column.
Katherine Tallmadge is a Washington nutritionist and the author of “Diet Simple” (Lifeline Press, 2004). Send e-mails to her at food@washpost.com.
© 2004 The Washington Post Company
Just Say No
- At December 10, 2010
- By Katherine
- In Articles
- 0
Original Content: Washington Post
My client Julie used to fight every holiday with her family. She would unwittingly start the argument at the dinner table by mentioning that she was on some sort of diet and couldn’t eat this or that. Then other guests would chime in with their own dietary viewpoints. This would cause the host to worry whether her guests were really complaining about the lavish spread she had slaved over. And the negativity didn’t help Julie; she would feel so frustrated that she would just give up on her dieting goals.
I’m afraid this is a familiar scene. As the party season begins, many of us are fearful of the delicious yet fattening holiday foods offered at countless gatherings. Although we want to enjoy ourselves and be appreciative guests, there’s the little (or not so little) issue of the weight we don’t want to gain.
Our fears are well founded. Studies show we are susceptible to weight gain at this time of year. Just about every party revolves around food. And when there is a variety of tasty foods in the vicinity, many of us simply can’t resist them. In fact, the more food that is available, the more we tend to eat. You could say the holidays, with all these temptations — plus the pressure of wanting to please our friends and family — provide the perfect environment for overeating and weight gain.
So, the challenge is how to be a gracious guest yet navigate the minefield of delicacies.
Our first obligation as guests is visiting friends and loved ones with a generous spirit. If offered food that we don’t want or can’t have, a simple “no thank you” is perfectly acceptable. Forcing your likes, dislikes and preferences for certain foods on the host or other guests can be downright unappetizing.
“It’s important not to treat private hospitality as a restaurant and announce what you want or don’t want,” said Judith Martin, the syndicated columnist who writes as Miss Manners, via telephone.
Today it seems almost impossible to escape people on this diet or that, freely espousing their views and theories. Worse, some guests expect their hosts to cater to their particular dietary requirements: no carbohydrates, no fat, no white flour, no sugar, no dairy, ad nauseam. Although it is fine to be following a diet, and may even be essential for your health, expecting the host to be a short-order cook is unfair. And discussing dietary views at the table is a no-no.
“This attitude that other people haven’t seen the light and you have to make them see the light makes the experience of eating unpleasant,” Martin told me. “Cooking has improved enormously over the decades, but the experience of eating has gone downhill because people are so self-righteous and willing to boss other people around.”
Martin also warned against bringing your own food or drink to a party, even if you have a serious dietary need or allergy, unless that is requested by the host. It is commonly mistaken as a lack of confidence in your hosts’ culinary tastes.
“Your family and intimate friends should know your condition, but if you are eating with hosts who do not, fortify yourself with food before going so that you are not starving, and then simply avoid dangerous foods,” said Martin. “This does not require an explanation.”
With family or close friends on extended visits, though, it’s perfectly acceptable to offer to contribute by going grocery shopping or providing food for everyone (not just yourself), while at the same time fulfilling your dietary needs. When I stay the night at friends’ or families’ homes, I’ll often bring a large basket of fruit, for instance, for everyone to enjoy. On an extended visit, I might offer to go grocery shopping or to make dinner for everyone.
This is a way to be generous but also to help myself have foods I feel comfortable with. However, it is important that this be done graciously, in the spirit of thanks and not as an obvious rejection of your hosts’ food or hospitality.
How did Julie solve her holiday eating problem? She and I decided she would drop the drama of the dieting daughter and assume the role of the gracious guest instead. She would not initiate or participate in any conversations about dieting or food during her visits.
Her strategy worked, and there were no more arguments during the holidays about her weight, dieting or food. Everyone, including Julie, enjoyed the holidays so much more. She has since lost 40 pounds.
TIPS (original content: Wednesday, December 1, 2004; Page F04)
To enjoy the holidays without tipping the scales, and to maintain the role of a gracious guest:
• Give away fattening leftovers. One splurge won’t interfere with your goals, but multiple indulgences will.
• If you’re afraid there won’t be foods you would like, or you would like to control your intake at a party, eat a snack or a meal before going.
• Don’t starve yourself the day of the party, or you may overeat once you get there.
• After you’ve arrived at the party, sip some sparkling water and wait at least 15 to 30 minutes before making a food choice. This gives you time to relax and to scope out the offerings.
• Prioritize your favorite holiday foods. Splurge on two or three special delicacies you can get only once a year.
• Wear close-fitting clothes to help remind you when you’ve had enough.
— Katherine Tallmadge
Katherine Tallmadge is a Washington nutritionist and author of “Diet Simple” (Lifeline Press, 2004). Send e-mails to her at food@washpost.com.
© 2004 The Washington Post Company
